Dealing with a Sibling You Just Don't Like

Does your sibling have a drinking or drug problem? Does he swear a lot? Does she have a new lover every few months or body-piercings that would rival a pin-cushion? Do you think your sibling is irresponsible? Immoral? Do you hate the way he raises his kids and don't want your kids to be negatively influenced? It happens…but how does that fit into your goal of a healthy extended family? And what if your kids like your sibling, even if you have trouble being in the same room with him or her? What if there are big family get-togethers every year? How do you handle it so your children are not adversely affected by your sibling's lifestyle, and yet maintain some kind of relationship?

As a parent, you have every right to make a decision about who will or won't be influencing your children. Still, a strong dislike for a sibling's lifestyle may be about more than you think. It's helpful to make sure you don't have hidden issues. For example, is part of your motivation to restrict your child's access to a sibling because you are angry at that sibling? In other words, if you were not angry—if you and your sibling had a pretty good relationship—would her lifestyle matter so much?

Fear lies at the heart of your issues with your sibling. Are you afraid that your unmarried brother who lives with his girlfriend might undermine the morals of your teenager? If so, you might be underestimating the influence your way of life—the choices you make—will influence your children (and you might be trying to protect your kids from concepts and lifestyles they've already heard about.) Are you afraid that having a sibling with a drug problem might influence your children to experiment with drugs?

If you feel a need to restrict access a child has with your sibling, the reason for that should not be to fix your sibling or to teach her a lesson. When your goal is to bring about a change in your sibling's actions—rather than to simply look out for your kids—you run the risk of taking it personally when the sibling doesn't make changes and you might fail to accurately assess the benefits and cautions of having that sibling involved in your child's life.

If your brother has no connection to your kids but you know his presence at a family function will be a disruption, you may have to take a hard stand. But if he has a good relationship with your kids, weigh the pros and cons. For example, if he drinks too much or never keeps a job, you can explain to your children how sad that is and how his life—and the lives of those who love him—are affected by his actions. You can get your point across about the problems with his lifestyle, while showing compassion, as well.

You might get some good advice or hear a perspective you hadn't considered.

Your children's welfare is important and is more of an obligation than the welfare of your sibling. If you must put your foot down, then do so. You will have to assert yourself with your sibling and set the conditions under which that sibling can visit. "I'd love to have you come by for the barbecue, but if you want to drink I will ask you to leave."

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