ADHD 8 year with a temper

Get a new counselor! My 9 y.o. step son has ADHD. We aren't medicating. He has moments (MANY moments) where I want to knock his teeth out due to the nasty, mouthy attitude he gets! He's usually pretty good about going to bed (as long as he thinks he's staying up late), but he can catch a 'tude in the blink of an eye.
You need to stand firm. Talk to him when he's rational. Talk, talk, talk. Explain what you are willing to compromise on and what you will not compromise on. Keep it simple. The shorter the better (especially if he's predominantly innattentive). Tell him why bedtime is when it is. And that's it. Then find something you can compromise on. Like a snack before teeth brushing, or a T.V. show he really likes.(bribery can be used, if you do it right!) If your work schedule allows, let him stay up later one night of the week IF HE EARNS IT. I like to call it "the carrot on the string" approach.

 If you need to latch his door closed, do it. Just make sure you unlock it before you fall asleep.  If he causes damage to his room, he will fix it - not you. We talk about being responsible for our own actions alot, and we (try to) keep clear consequences. It's really hard, but you have to be firm. No whimping out just to make it stop. I know is easier said than done, but the rewards are worth a few days of angry outbursts, resentment and spite.

Being the step mom, I got little respect. For some things, I just don't play. I was mean (meanest mom ever!). Bedtime, dinnertime, bath and homework. I am the Gestapo. He now knows that I do love him just like my own, and if I need to be the bad guy to keep him safe and healthy, I will. He's in fourth grade and I talk about watching him graduate from college. It gives a little perspective when you let them know, it's not just about right here, right now.

As a side note, we have a fish tank. When he would get out of hand, I would put him in time out in the corner by the tank. In less then 3 minutes, he would be calm and reasonable (and completely forget why he was in time out in the first place!). It's like magic!

Keep fighting the good fight.

I had him in Tae Kwon Do for tow years but didnt faze him. I aksed hte instructor to work with him but the instructor thought he was doing a good job. Nothing seems to faze Spencer. Like consequences, disipline, he doesn't get the concept. Honestly. He is BMX and is doing very well. He has been in it for three years now.

Thank you very much. This is good information. I am working on a new couselor but in our town it is very hard to find a couselor for young ones. I have tried routine, charts to no end, and everyone worked until about two/three weeks and then they fizzle. I am going to start a strict routine at bedtime. THanks for that advice. He has a bedtime but NEVER works cuz he throws a fit every night. He doesnt want to read books, I want to readto him, he doesnt want that. This morning is how my morning went. He is up before me, dressed and ready to go. Good!! He goes on the computer and plays a game we let him. He wanted to go outside but I tell him no, I'm going to take a shower and then we will leave, (I work late today 10-7). He's chewing a piece of gum and I ask him where he got it. He says upstairs, I tell him he's lieing cuz I know there is no gum upstairs and I know there is some in my purse. I finish up and he is not in the house. He is in the car playing. A big no-no. We then get ready to go and I notice there is money missing from my purse. I get in the car and ask him where it is, he says he was going to give it back. I then proceed to tell him his actions are costing him consequences. He tells me I am being rude (famous saying of his) and to not talk to him, he's visibly upset and crying. He gets hurt feelings quick, but I am so frustrated. I dont know how to parent this kid, I hav tried soo many angles. I will work on the routine, I know he need structure, I have been trying to provide as much structure as I can. I don't have any other children. And I know he is probably exhausted. Maybe I will ask his day care to give him some quiet time during the day. He tells me he doesnt want the pill cuz it doesnt make him talk. Chore chart, I did that. He earned poker chips and could turn them in for things like playing with PS2, riding bike, having a friend spend the night, etc. Spencer has been this way his whole life, very strong willed and seems to think he doesnt need a mom or dad, and he can make his own choices. Argh...Thanks alot. You gave me a few ideas. The bedtime is a good thing, last night was okay cuz I ignored him pretty much through his whining and crying, and he fell asleep within minutes. I give him one Melatonin.

 Just to add to this...they say that karate is good b/c it teaches them control. I don't know how I feel about that BUT just what I've heard.

And I was gonna say switch his meds to maybe afternoon, that way it won't be wearing off right before bedtime. But again it just depends on if he needs it for schooling.

Has the conselor suggested any sort of behavior modification techniques? I have worked with developmentally disabled people with impulse control problems and though it is not the same as ADHD, modification techniques worked really well for some of them. Meditation and yoga also worked really well for those who were able to focus.

If the problem is happening at around the same time every day maybe there needs to be an adjustment to the dosage or time of day he takes his medication. If the counselor is not helping you to solve problems and is only placing blame it probably is time to look for another one.

Well I have zero experience in this situation, but I wanted to chime in with the above poster's suggestion of a new (or second?) counselor.  S/he should be there to help and offer guidance.  Nothing you've described sounds like you need to "parent better."  You need some serious help in your situation, and someone who can give it to you.

Good luck, hon.

My 9 y/o son has a mild case of ADHD, his is more of a focus issue rather than temperment one though. He was prescribed 10 mg of Focalin and has since went up to 15mg, it worked wonders in school and I haven't had the need to give it to him this summer. However we were told it is a slow release type med therefore by the time he gets home it will be wearing off. And this is what it sounds like is happening with your son, by the time 8 pm gets here it's wearing off (or has worn off) and he's probably exhausted from the days activities and those two things are going together.

I would personally switch counselors, although I'm saying this based solely on the counselor saying you need to be better and he doesn't have to take responsibility. He is quite capable of having consequences for his actions. I mean I have 4 kids and starting at a very young age we start discipline and even my 2 y/o has consequences for some of her behaviors, not anything like my 9 y/o but you know what I'm saying...ADHD/ADD is a very hard "disease/illness" whatever it's called b/c it seems they can't control their actions BUT that's where you come in at as a "better parent"....have consequences for his actions and foloow through, let him know that the behavior is not acceptable and it will not be tolerated just so he can try to control his behaviors to an extent. My son is real impulsive behavior like getting up 6 times to sharpen his pencil in 30 minutes and things like that. But with the help of his doctor, techers and myself we do things like put a stop sign on his desk so that would remind him to stop and think about his actions before his does them and that actually seemed to work.

Have you tried maybe having him lay down at 7:30 and that would give him extra quiet time to relax and settle down, maybe tell him this is his quiet time so he can read a book and at 8 (get him if he does not have an alarm clock) put the book away, turn the light out and time for bed. Do you have a routine for bed. Routines are highly important in all childrens lives ESPECIALLY a child with ADD/ADHD. They tend to be very unorganized so that just gives them structure that they desperately need. If he's going to bed at 8 and it's causing issues then he's probably not actually going to sleep until 9 or maybe even later depending on if he's having a really rough night and depending on when he gets up, which for school should be kinda early, he may not be getting enough rest either, that's another reason I suggested 7:30 as a relax time.

Do you have any other children?

Does he have any responsibilities around the house? That's important as well. Give him something that will offer him some good praise and something that makes him take on responsibility and something that he is in charge of doing. Get him a chore chart so he can mark it off.

I hope that some of my rambling can help you in any way, shape or form or at least give you an idea to run with. I do hope everything works out for you honey! Good luck!!

Hi :) I dont really know anything about ADHD but I was very close to someone who had it. The person i knew has ADHD and his mom spoiled him and pampered him too much that his temper is reaaaaally bad and he acts like a 12 year old even though he is already 19. He got bad grades at school and was constantly pissing his mom off. but his genius mom kept giving him whatever he wanted anyway! like ipods, new phones, money, etc. I cut ties with this person a while ago because i couldnt stand his attitude. it was THAT BAD!

All i have to say is keep doing what youre doing, be firm and consistent but dont forget to be loving at the same time. :) i hope things go well for you.