Breastfeeding Issues: Inability to Breastfeed

Since I was a little girl, I knew I would breastfeed my children. And then...

With both my pregnancies, I had absolutely no breast growth. Which was a real disappointment for me, because I was really excited that I might actually fill a B-cup for once in my life. had breastfeeding issues with my firstborn almost from the start. Latching was difficult, it was painful, and then to top it off, he didn't get to leave the hospital with me because he was so jaundiced. After several days in the NICU, he came home. At the time, I lived with my boyfriend's (now estranged) parents' house, and his mother kept slipping him bottles of formula while I was in the shower! Eventually, I gave up, and wound up with a raging case of PPD.

My second pregnancy, I vowed to do everything I could do to make breastfeeding work. Pumping after feedings, frequent nursing, lactation consultant visits... And still. I cannot provide all the breast milk my daughter needs.

I hate these breastfeeding issues! I hate supplementing. I hate that I can't breastfeed exclusively. I have insufficient mammary gland tissue. I hate my flawed body.

I don't want to leave the house, because I don't want to bottle-feed my daughter in public. Weird, isn't it? I know breast is best. I feel like, if I have to give her a bottle in public, "boob nazis" are going to stare and judge me, and think I'm ignorant and lazy. (I'm not saying I think all formula feeding moms are ignorant or lazy, but I have known some that are.) I'm so disappointed with myself.

Has anyone else here dealt with the issue of breastfeeding grief? It would be nice to know I'm not alone in this.