Dealing With Preteen Dating

What does a "date" mean to a preteen? Most likely, a "date" means a group of kids going to the movies—and that's what you should insist on, especially with preteens. Kids this age usually don't go on "dates" in the 1950's sense of the word, and that's better and more developmentally appropriate. If this is a group situation, find out who else is going and volunteer to drop off or pick up a few of the kids, including your child's "date." When it comes to parenting preteens and teens, it is best to be the parent who is available to drive. You get to see who is going and overhear some tidbits that might be important for you to know.

Who is your preteen "dating?" If your child gets asked on a "date," you should definitely make sure you know who the "date" is. If you have never met the other child before, have him or her come over once before the actual date so you can meet in person.

To chaperone or not to chaperone? Depending on how old your preteen is, insist on a chaperone in the movies. A group of 13-year-olds, or even two 13-year-olds, can go by themselves, but if you are in a group situation of 10-year-olds, a parent or two should probably go. It might be more unusual for 10-year-olds to mingle with the opposite sex, but it definitely happens.

What is expected on the "date?" Before the "date," talk to your child about their expectations and how to handle certain situations. For example, you should talk to your child about not doing anything she does not want to do, how to say no (to even hand-holding if he/she is uncomfortable with that concept), respecting other people's wishes (i.e., don't force anyone else to do something if they say they don't want to), and how to get out of an uncomfortable situation. Always make sure your child has a cell phone. You might want to set up a code system, such as: if your child says "Is Uncle Larry coming for dinner tonight?" it means "come pick me up ASAP." This code works well for the teen years, too.

What will your child be doing on the "date?" If your child is going on a "date," they should be doing something. And it doesn't have to cost money; it could be riding bicycles, playing tennis or going for ice cream. Hanging out at someone's house with one other person leads to boredom, a potentially uncomfortable situation or physical contact. Kids at this age should really not be doing anything more than a quick kiss, a hug or holding hands.

What if your child isn't interested in "dating" yet? If your child does not want to go on a date or is not interested in the opposite sex at all as a romantic interest, it is completely normal. Going on dates is usually a behavior within a particular peer group. If your son's friends are happier playing basketball with the guys or your daughter's friends would prefer hanging out listening to music with the girls, it's perfectly age-appropriate. Your child has enough time to get romantically involved with people during his or her lifetime. Let kids be kids!