Bad Parenting Advice #14: Housecleaning Tips for Moms
We know where you're coming from. It took us years to find the perfect recipe for keeping the house clean:
First, throw all laundry and dishes into the laundry room. Then drag in the hose from outside. Shut the door and turn on the hose ALL THE WAY. Sprinkle liberally with soap or shampoo or mouthwash or something equally fresh. Spray more. Turn on fans. Bonus: You've also just cleaned the laundry room floor. Well done. You deserve a canape.
Second, from your refrigerator, retrieve a bag of cheese. Fling onto every horizontal surface. Open all the doors to your home and whistle loudly. Soon enough, all the neighborhood dogs will gravitate toward your home and will happily scarf up any morsels of food, crayons, dead bugs or other detritus tucked into corners and sofa cushions. Bonus: Gladly accept any monetary rewards for finding lost dogs. Buy more canapes.
Third, trade canapes for origami classes. Turn art projects, bills, old newspapers, magazines, and returned schoolwork into cranes, airplanes, paper balloons and miniature kites. Take outside on a windy day. Sing "Freebird." Bonus: Free lighters from crowds of fans who will inevitably gather to sway and sing along to your awesome musical stylings.
If all this fails, we recommend a large fire. Use one of the lighters.