Bad Parenting Advice #201: Keeping Track of Your Child

I want children, but I'm the kind of person who misplaces my purse. How would I ever keep track of a child?
Moms worry about this all the time. Mostly because we all know moms who can't keep track of their coffee cup and then it falls off the roof of their minivan and they run it over. So the concern that you might forget one of your kids is not misplaced.

However, have you looked into a kid training collar? Why not a set of family training collars? Like the one that came with our zappy electric fence? It's not just for kids! You can also use it on your husband if he feels the need to bring his Blackberry to the dinner table.

If your progeny wander off too far from you - *zap!* Even better, use it when they're being obstinate. Not setting the table? Take two steps back and *zappity zap!* If you're feeling particularly Samantha Steven-ish, you can make wavy fingers while you jolt 'em so they think you have magic powers.

Point is, they'll follow you around like you're Justin Bieber. After a while, they'll be so trained to keep you within, oh, say 10 feet or so, you'll never have to worry about forgetting them.

Because they won't forget you. Ever.