Breeders Can Have Fun, Too

When I had my first child, I was shocked to discover that women with whom I'd worked and traveled no longer clicked with me. My best friend, Heather, the one who threw my baby shower, saw my son just three times his first year—and she lived a mere 10 minutes' drive from our house.

The hard truth is, the childless crowd doesn't mix with us breeders. Perhaps that's why we have separate restaurants, separate employment tracks and separate neighborhoods. So they can avoid us.

Let's face it, we're not all that great to be around, with all the screaming, crying, pinching, biting, messes, bags of life-support equipment and special food requests. (And that's just for me!) Sitting beside my family in a restaurant is, depending on your point of view, either hell or a two-fer: dinner and a show. Our little four-ring circus. Every time we pay our check and head home (before 7 PM, an hour that, pre-mommyhood, I considered part of the afternoon), I imagine the couples in our wake vowing, "When we have kids, it'll be different." Of course it won't be different for them. But they won't know that until they get here.

Once upon a time I called my friends on Sundays around 10 AM to see who was up for brunch. Sometimes we spontaneously went out to a gallery afterward. Not anymore. And you know what? I don't mind. I want to play with other breeders. I like my minivan ghetto because here I meet people who feel like raising good kids is more urgent than philosophizing or arguing about art. Today, my dream is a great big multi-family sleepover, so that my kids can have fun upstairs while their friends' moms and dads have dinner with me and watch an R-rated DVD without having to pay a babysitter. And I wouldn't have it any other way. So Heather, when you're ready to have your first kid, call me. I can't wait to throw you a shower.