Car Seat, Why Do You Hate Me?
WELL FINE, car seat. Be that way. I'll give you three reasons why you suck:
First, I think you're stupid and hard to install. You were supposed to be the best and yet every time I use your so-called "superior latch system technology" that only thing that latches are my broken, mangled fingers and occasionally my boob. I mean, seriously? Were you designed in a piercing studio in Orange County? Why don't you go latch yourself?
B. You're also a jackhole for being nearly impossible to clean. OK, fine I'm bad at cleaning. But you're for babies and little kids, critters that excel in two categories: being cute and crapping their pants. Do you think it's funny that just to wash your stupid cover I have to uninstall and then completely disassemble you? Do you have any idea how long that takes? I'll tell you how long: nap time. Thanks for stealing the best part of my day and making sure I can't shower again.
III. Can you tell me why it's impossible to get a toddler buckled and properly adjusted? It's like you're a new car seat every time. Oh! She has on a sweater —so you'll be so loose that I'll have to take fifteen minutes to tighten the straps. Just kidding, she has on a snowsuit. If I don't loosen the restraints, you'll squish my child like piece of ripe fruit. And yet you have allowed this same child to master your "state of the art five-point restraint system" to the point where she can wiggle free from the straps, strip naked and climb onto the roof the van in the time it takes me to open the driver's side door. I blame you, car seat.
And I hate you, too.