Child Adoption: Family Features
Submitted by
Catherine Hurt
Our adopted son is blessed with a complexion and facial features from a kinder, gentler gene pool. He looks nothing like me—but why do total strangers feel the need to point this out in the most public of places? Do people really think they have the right to cross-examine folks they've barely met?
Once during Kindermusik class, a woman asked which child belonged to me. When I proudly pointed to the dancing imp with dark brown hair, she frowned. "Him? He looks nothing like you! He's your son?" She continued the interrogation in front of the other families. "I'm sorry, I just don't see any resemblance whatsoever. Are you his real mother?"
I understood that she was curious, and I'm normally thrilled to share our adoption story with others. In fact, when people ask caring questions in a one-on-one setting, I'll talk their ears off. But seriously, there's a time and place for everything, and I don't think the bank teller's window ("What race is your husband?"), the grocery store ("Do your other children look like that?") or Home Depot ("Is he adopted? Does he know?") qualify.
There could be any number of reasons why a child doesn't resemble a parent, and to demand those very private details in front of the child and others is beyond invasive. As my son gets older, the questions are directed more frequently to him, and what parent feels comfortable with a child divulging personal information to strangers?
It puts me in a difficult position because I'd never want my son to think that I'm trying to hide the fact that he's adopted. We celebrate it! I just wish people would consider their motives for asking and determine whether or not the situation is appropriate. (I don't know many adolescents who appreciate having their differences pointed out in front of their peers.) We're happy to chat about adoption under many circumstances, but I don't think my son should feel obligated to explain his existence to anyone.
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