10 (Cheeky) Tips for New Moms
So I'm supposed to make a card for this baby shower I'm attending with a bunch of parenting advice. They asked me to give advice. They have no idea. See below.
1. Boys invariably smell vaguely of pee and sunshine. Heavy on the pee. Stock up on Febreze.
2. Your boobs, when engorged (this is for the first-timer) will look like something out of a fetish video. Your husband will be intrigued: Practice saying, "If you touch my nipples I will be wearing your scrotum as decorative jewelry."
3. That fun "period" you get after you give birth? Don't worry, that's not your liver in the toilet.
4. When people ask if your baby is on a schedule, tell them the little monkey won't listen and you're wondering if it's too soon to start spanking.
5. With each subsequent child, you will look nine months pregnant for at least two weeks longer after giving birth.
6. Watching reruns of The Sopranos in the middle of the night helps bring down your milk. So does a good gin and tonic.
7. Your older children might be jealous of the attention given to the new baby. This is natural. Just tell them they're not as special anymore, and would they please move, daddy is trying to take a picture of the little princess.
8. Other moms are really, really competitive. Make stuff up. Tell them your baby started muttering the phrase "Einstein was wrong" while thrashing in the crib at night.
9. Only you know when it's time to wean your baby. If you want to nurse until the kids beg you to stop, that's your prerogative.
10. Older people are really judgmental when it comes to things like co-sleeping. Don't get irritated at their antiquated advice. Just smile and tell them you really find that co-sleeping works for you. You just wish little junior would yell louder when you accidentally roll over on him.