I have decided that I am not particularly fond of penises.
Yeah, yeah, I know they can be an awful lot of fun on an adult male. But other than that? They're just a pain in my, um, gee, any word I put in here is going to sound unintentionally dirty. See what I mean about what a pain they are?
Right about now, you're probably asking yourself why I'm ranting about the male reproductive organ. Let me assure you, you would not be asking yourself that question had you seen me just a few hours ago, wiping urine from the arm of my suit jacket after helping my son go to the potty. You wouldn't be asking yourself that question if you had seen me last night, mopping urine off the restroom stall floor, when "Mr. I'm Sorta New To This Whole Potty Thing's" aim was a little off. You wouldn't be asking yourself that question if you needed to use the bathroom at my house after my son had generously sprayed the entire seat in your honor!
My child has been potty trained for months now and yet he insists on sitting rather than standing, especially when using "unknown" toilets. The problem with that? He has even less mastery over the whole holding-his-penis-down thing when sitting than he does over the aiming-at-the-hole thing. Hence my suit jacket.
So what do I do? Put him back in diapers until he's … what? 16? Cover myself in a plastic poncho for all bathroom excursions? I don't know how much longer I can stay calm while repeating "Sweetie, that's the wrong hole to aim at. Ignore the hole made by the upright toilet seat. Go for the hole that actually HAS WATER IN IT!"