How can my partner and I reconcile our very different approaches to money?

When a couple is experiencing problems with money, often the conflict has less to do with what is happening with the money than with other issues. If you pause and look back over your lifetime, you will likely see a series of times when something occurred with money. Perhaps it was related to your allowance, financial difficulties your parents had, what your parents taught you about spending and saving or how a manager handled your request for a raise. When each incident happened, you reached some conclusion or decision about how you would manage money-related matters in the future. The decisions both you and your partner made throughout your lives are affecting how you manage your money together now. Begin to handle your current problem by looking at what you have learned about money over the years and why. Together, assess whether those decisions from the past actually best serve your marriage and family now. It will help the two of you if you then choose a small number of long-term goals. This could include college for your children, saving for retirement, or going on a vacation each year. The intent is to determine goals that you agree to work toward together. How you each choose to contribute toward the goals may be different, but the unifying targets are clear. If possible, then agree on a budget that will help you to meet your goals. Remember a budget is also a joint commitment, not a weapon to threaten each other with as you struggling to bring your spending and saving in line with it. Many couples who handle money differently find that they can be more peaceful as a couple if they divide the available money into his, hers, and ours. You can set guidelines for what happens with each portion. The separate funds could be completely discretionary, with no accountability back to each other. You could use the joint funds to pay all of the bills and necessary expenses. Whatever system you devise, remember that the overarching goal is unity and harmony in your marriage. Consult together about what achieves that, and the arguments over money should lessen.