Dear Diary: I Wanna Be a Tiger Mom
For months now I've been hearing about Amy Chua's "Tiger Mother" article and have decided to introduce some of her strict disciplinary methods in our household. I hoped to build Anna's confidence by methodically crushing her self-esteem as Ms. Chua suggests, and create a preschool prodigy of my very own. Here's a calendar of my progress.
Day 1: Today Anna learned to scratch out the letter "A" at day care. It was upside down and resembled more of a "U" with a line across it. I held the paper to her nose, angrily tore it to shreds, and told her I'd seen slugs craft neater A's in slimy trails across my driveway. I planned next to have her sit and practice writing A's non-stop until she'd perfected them and/or her hand cramped into a painful claw, but once I mentioned the slug she freaked out and insisted I carry her around until bedtime.
Day 2: This morning Anna asked to watch PBS Kids. I told her that television was only for stupid, lazy children with no ambition and that instead we'd be learning long division. Minutes later, I remembered that I don't know how to do long division and had failed it myself, four times. Instead I demonstrated how one tube of cookie dough can be divided into twenty warm, delicious cookies.
Day 3: Anna had her three-year check-up today. Her weight and height came in around the 55th percentile for kids in her age group. With her doctor out of earshot, I reprimanded each of her muscles and joints for not making at least the 95th percentile, then told Anna that if her weight didn't drop to the 25th percentile, she'd be known as Chubby McFattypants until she learned to control her appetite for strawberries and Cheerios. Minutes later I got a serious craving for some fries and we hit the nearest drive-thru.
Diary, things aren't looking hopeful for me and this new routine. Has anyone written a book about how to be a successful fuzzy baby kitten mother?