6-Year-Old Twins "Van-dalize" Family Vehicle
The neighbor, who wished to remain anonymous, was "flabbergasted," unaware that the couple next door even had children. "It's hard to imagine them being responsible for the welfare of two additional humans," he said of the husband and wife. "I just figured they drove that minivan because it was stylish. To find out that it was functional as well comes as a real shock."
At press time, the twins' parents were uncertain if they would pursue a criminal investigation or simply force their children to watch educational programming for an indefinite length of time.
The twins' mother, a haggard woman, was reportedly stunned by her their actions.
"I only left them alone for 10 minutes," she said. "I knew it was possible that they might run into the street or lie about their ages to create Facebook accounts, but I never expected them to do this."
According to police reports, in the time it took the mother to find the footwear, the children etched their names into both doors of the van, which family insiders say is more commonly referred to as the "Loser Cruiser."
The children's first-grade teacher, when shown a picture of the damage, exclaimed, "They're both prolific writers, but I've never seen them print so well!"
Reportedly, one twin also inscribed a dedication on the van's back panel. Scraped into the black finish were the words "on behalf of my classmates." The mother claims she has been spammed by e-publishers who believe her children have a prodigal-like understanding of shameless self-promotion.
The father, who was not at the crime scene, stated that he was "relieved" that his kids wrecked the family's 2005 vehicle rather than his 46" flat-screen TV.
The two suspects, whose names are being withheld by authorities to protect the identity of the mother, were unavailable for comment but did release a joint statement through their attorney reading, "He/she did it first!"