Couples Therapy: How to Rebuild Marriage After an Affair
An affair affects a marriage like an earthquake. Everything is up-ended and nothing seems the same. The good news is that when a couple wants to work on rebuilding a marriage after an affair, the odds of success are high.
The odds of at least one partner having an affair during the life of a marriage is anywhere between 20-40%; however, many affairs occur toward the end of an already failing marriage. That means that happier couples are less likely to fall prey to an extra-marital affair. Here's some relationship advice for the aftermath of an affair:
- Keep in mind that the "I didn't go out looking for an affair" excuse may well be true. Unless a partner is a philanderer, affairs are often slow-growing and unplanned. Usually they happen to people who are going through a sluggish time in their marriage, who feel lonely or who are experiencing stresses and strains they don't easily discuss with their spouses.
- The kids don't need to know everything. If the couple wants to save the marriage, it's better that the children don't know all the details of what went wrong. It can be confusing for younger kids and disheartening for older ones to know that mom or dad had an affair. The kids probably know already that mom and dad are having relationship problems. They'll feel better once they believe that their parents are working things out without knowing the specifics of what happened. If the children do learn of the affair, they may take sides and add to the amount of tension in the household. It's then important for the parents to let them know that the problems are being handled.
- It is important for the unfaithful spouse to examine why the affair occurred and to ask serious relationship questions. Dissatisfaction with one's marriage or unhappiness about one's age or place in life common factors.
- Addressing areas in one's life that aren't working well can help defend against an affair happening again. But the spouse who was cheated on may demand to know "Why?" over and over. That is because no answer to why can ever be good enough. At some point, an affair must be accepted and no longer explored.
- Understand the stages to overcoming an affair. The months following the revelation of an affair are "roller coaster" months. Getting along one day can be followed by harshness and coldness on another. You may push away the guilty partner when he shows you affection, and be angry when he doesn't show it. These ups and downs are exhausting and confusing but are not forever. They are usually followed by a stage of flatness— fighting is less, emotional outbursts are fewer and farther between, but passion and zest are absent. This is finally followed by a stage of peace and a rekindling of feelings of love accompanied by less resentment.
- The guilty party must understand that trust will take a long time to rebuild. It's realistic that arriving home an hour late from work may raise relationship questions. "Where were you? Why didn't you call?" The guilty party is advised to accept these moments rather than get offended that there is mistrust. This may be a time when the person who had the affair is on a "tight leash." He or she will feel controlled and not like it, but it can be helpful in the initial weeks or months for the injured partner to regain a sense of influence over the relationship. In the long run, there must be no leash, if trust is to return.
- Schedule discussions. Random discussions about the affair—usually demanded by the injured party—are risky. They are often long and drawn out and tend to ruin the rest of the day for both parties. It makes the guilty party less willing to want to talk in the future. A better idea is to schedule discussions—daily or weekly—and have them be time-limited (no more than one hour). This allows the injured party to vent and ask relationship questions, and allows the other party to relax more during non-scheduled times.
- No more lies. In most cases, it is not so much the sexual aspect of an affair that destroys a marriage but the deceit that went along with it. A partner needs to regain trust. Often, the guilty party will hold back certain facts to avoid more arguments and to avoid hurting their partner anymore than they already have. But if those hidden facts come out later, a spouse can be devastated and believing there must still be more that is hidden. Once an affair is revealed, it is best to put all the facts on the table, however painful.
- The guilty party should raise the topic of the affair from time to time. Most often, the injured party thinks about the affair way more than the guilty one. This is why it's very important for the guilty one to ask the injured party how he/she is doing. By initiating the discussion, the injured party will feel cared about and will not resent having to always be the one to bring up the subject.
- If resentment lingers, consider couples therapy so you can have help working through questions about the relationship.
- Tell the kids when real progress has been made. No need to get specific, but when real headway has been made in the marriage, tell the children. Let them know you are happier and that the marriage is on solid ground. It can ease their minds.
Provided byDr. Paul Coleman
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