Relationship Problems: I'm Not Attracted to My Husband

Make sure physical appearance is the real issue. People are not often upset for the reasons they think they are. For example, if you are over 40, the real issue about a mate's appearance may be an anxiety about getting older and losing some of your own youthful appearance. Or, if you may have other relationship problems that can affect how you view your partner physically.

Assess if changes can be realistically made. Some physical attributes—such as hair color, contact lens instead of eyeglasses, teeth-whitening or a small weight loss— are easier to change. Commenting on those things is probably a safe thing to do if you don't have other relationship issues. But physical changes that would require arduous effort or major surgery are not easily accomplished. Think twice about requesting those kinds of changes. Most parents know they are not magazine-cover gorgeous, and love the fact that their partner finds them attractive anyway. Bursting that bubble is risky.

Follow your partner's lead. Chances are that your partner is aware of some physical imperfections and would like to change them if possible. If your mate brings the topic up, you have an opportunity to address the issue. Rather than being blunt about how you feel (and risk hurting feelings and creating more serious relationship problems), simply encourage your partner to take whatever steps he is already considering. Ask if there is some way you can help.

Be a model for change. If you make a determined effort to lose the 20 pounds you've put on, or get your teeth bleached or wear more attractive casual clothes, your partner might be inspired to do the same. Plus, feeling good about yourself will help your relationship issues.

Use gentleness and tact. If you absolutely must bring up the fact that you are not physically attracted to your husband, choose your words carefully. If you don't have other relationship issues, the words won't sting as much, but it still hurts. Reassure him that you still love him.

Try to accept what can't be changed. If you focus on what you appreciate in your partner, the physical flaws may be easier to accept. For example, the husband may have a pot belly because he makes sacrifices by working longer hours, or he is a devoted dad and has less time to exercise. Our relationship advice? Focus on the whole package.

Show more affection. By showing affection (playful and tender), you will make your partner believe that he is still desired and attractive. It underscores the fact that you still love him. That makes any comments about physical appearance easier to hear—and will help prevent serious relationship problems.