How to Spice Up Your Sex Life When You Have Mismatched Desires

The most common sexual complaint is mismatched desire—a problem that can become worse when couples have children.. There are good ways to manage this extremely common, almost inevitable, difference. Determine if this desire discrepancy is fairly permanent or temporary. If mismatched desire has been evident for years, it's probably a difference in biological drive (unless a medical condition or medication side-effects would account for it). If the difference in desire is recent, it may reflect a temporary fluctuation in desire due to things like fatigue (the number one reason for low desire), stress—both of which can seem almost inevitable for busy parents. Long-term differences must be managed, not eliminated. A mistake couples often make when differences in personality or values arise is an effort to cajole each other to change. A happy couple will manage those differences, not wrestle each other over them. When sexual desire is mismatched, it means that the person desiring sex less frequently than the other will go along with it for the sake of the other and the person desirous of more frequent sex will forgo having it for the sake of the other. Those differences in desire must be accepted, not fought over. Understand gender differences. Statistically, men prefer to have sex more often than women. That's because men rely more on sex as a means to feel close to their wives, while women can feel connected to their husbands in numerous ways.. Understanding gender differences allows women to consider that men may not have sex on the brain for selfish reasons only; and men will understand that a woman's sexual desire is strengthened when the man shows he caresin other, non-sexual ways. Ask what frequency of sex would be most desirable. This is important in order to see just how far apart your desires are. Once you hash it out, come to a compromise you're both happy(ish) with. Increase non-sexual affection. If you want to spice up your sex life, you should touch in non-sexual ways more frequently. This is especially important for the one who desires more sex. Often, that person shows more sexual affection, which can make the one not desiring as much sex feel pressured, which can lead to withdrawal by the partner and increase frustration in the one pursuing sex. The less interested partner should initiate sex more often. By default, the one more interested in having sex will initiate it more often than the partner who has less of a need (or desire). That sets up a false expectation that one partner is always hungry for sex and the other is never interested. If the partner whose sex drive is lower initiates a sexual encounter and takes the lead in spicing up the sex, their partner will believe that interest exists and won't have to worry about being turned down. Avoid subtle coercive efforts. Sometimes the lower sex-drive partner refuses to initiate sex for fear the partner will take more and more liberties. Sometimes the higher sex-drive partner pushes for sex more often and looks for ways to spice up the sex life for fear that otherwise sex will never happen, or become dull. This is really a common but problematic dynamic that is best avoided. Understand and accept that differences in this area may always exist, but that those differences will probably narrow if each person stops pressuring the other to make a permanent change.