Dealing With an Unreliable Friend

First, let's clarify the difference between having a "relationship" with someone and having an "arrangement" with someone. These are very different situations. Frequently, someone will refer to a person in their life as a friend and consider this person a relationship when in reality it is an arrangement. A relationship has healthy qualities that fuel both people involved, while an arrangement leaves one or both people with a sense of emptiness.

I invite you to consider the questions below and look closely at your involvement with your friend. Ask yourself what percentage of the time your friend meets the criteria of a "relationship" versus percentage of the time it's just an "arrangement." If you are honest with yourself, it will be clear if this is a healthy friendship to maintain.

Is your involvement with this person mutual or is it one-sided?

When you talk, do you have a dialogue, with both people contributing equally, or monologues, where one person does most of the talking?

Are both of your needs met or are the needs of one person met?

Is this a flexible situation or are there rigid rules?

Does your involvement with this person fill you with joy or drain you and leave you feeling used?

Does time with this person bring you (healthy) excitement or leave you feeling bored?

Are both of you fully present (physically and emotionally) or are one or both of you absent (physically and emotionally)?

Is your involvement nurturing or does it feel condemning and confining?

The first responses in these questions indicate healthy qualities in a relationship, and the second responses indicate unhealthy qualities, often a part of arrangements.

Next, ask yourself: What is this "relationship" costing me physically, emotionally and spiritually? And am I willing to pay that price? Perhaps answering these questions and clarifying whether you are in a relationship or an arrangement will help you decide how and if you want to continue your involvement with this person. You may choose to maintain this friendship and choose to limit the time you spend with your friend.