Calling All Preggers

I'm so sick of listening to my pregnant friends complain. "I'm nauseous." "My feet are swollen." "I'm tired." I feel like saying, "You don't know tired until you have that kid, lady, trust me. Believe it or not, this is as good as it's going to be for a while, so enjoy!"

We're always in such a rush to get our pregnancy over with, as if life will be easier once we have the baby. If only I'd known then what I know now, I would have relished those last bloated months!

When I was pregnant, I had a lifestyle a new mom can only dream of. For starters, I was able to go pee whenever I needed to. I didn't ever have to hold it in long enough to potentially cause a bladder infection. I was able to spontaneously go out to dinner or the movies (pre-eight months, when I could still sausage my enormous body into theater seats) without leaving my heart and soul at home with a 16-year-old babysitter. I could shower without someone screaming bloody murder as I frantically scrubbed the shampoo out of my hair. I slept in! I used two hands for all of my tasks! I went on vacations, not relocations. Life was bliss when I was a 176-pound, ice-cream-binging, View-watching pregnant person. I just didn't know it.

No one tells you all the gnarly stuff about having a baby—like how your life is about to explode. They just tell you how "amaaazing" being a parent is. How you'll never feel love like the love you'll feel for your offspring, blah-blah-blah. They never tell you the truth. But I will. You are never going to be number one ever again—and neither will your husband, so better get him used to the idea as well.