I Want a Girl
I'm going to be disappointed if this baby is a boy. Really disappointed.
I'm embarrassed to admit that to myself, much less say it out loud. It makes me feel like an awful mother, one who's going to scar her child for life before it takes its first breath. I know I should be happy with either gender, as long as the baby is healthy. After all, a baby is a baby, a gift, right? I feel guilty for even thinking otherwise.
But guilt-ridden or not, I'm thinking it. I want a girl
. I want a girl bad
And it gets worse. Here's the truth: I'm really not sure I can love another boy
. I worry that I will always favor my first son, Joey, over a second son. I mean, sure, he'd be my baby, but when I think about a boy baby, I can't seem to drum up feelings of love. I just can't wrap my mind around the idea of another boy. Honestly, I'm actually afraid that this poor baby may be rejected by his own mother from day one if he has the audacity to be born male.
is in a few days. At that appointment, I'll find out the news that will either cause me to run to the mall and start buying pink lacy dresses or to cry. Even if I manage a smile at the initial news, I know the tears will come. Tears of disappointment. Tears of guilt. Tears while dreaming about purple flowered crib sheets and pink teddy bears.