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Heartless Hubby?

I love my husband ... but I wish he were more attentive to my pregnancy needs.

Submitted by schulam

Before I start, I must preface this by stating that I love my husband. Now, with that out of the way ...

I am pregnant and due in about a month, but three weeks ago I went into preterm labor and the doctors put me on bed rest. It didn't really sound that bad at first. What pregnant woman doesn't need time to lie down and relax for a while? But as anyone who has been on bed rest knows, it gets old really fast.

Before it gets old, however, it's just plain scary. You know your baby is not developed enough to have an easy entry into the world and you spend your days praying that she can stay inside long enough to avoid all of the really terrible nightmare scenarios you have imagined. Even getting up to pee can be scary. I worried that I would sit on the toilet and she would pop out, and no one wants her baby to fall into a toilet!

That said, the worrying and boredom haven't been the worst parts of bed rest. My husband's absences are. Two days after my bed rest started, my husband went out of town for a weeklong business trip. He called my friends to tell them I might need help and somehow he seemed to think that was the same as staying home himself. Then he was home for two days before leaving again for his next business trip—and this time he left early so he could sightsee in Spain for three days before he had to work!

My husband is not a compassionate person and I knew that when we married. Every once in a while, however, I would like to feel like he wants to take care of me. With him away, I had a new worry. I started dreaming that I was going to delivery the baby while he was in Spain. Is it really too much to ask for him not to travel halfway around the world when I'm stuck on the couch and so close to labor?

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luvuLord
luvuLord
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9/8/2009 - 12:56PM
Report Abuse 		oh...and I meant to add for anyone worrying about what to do about sex when you've been told you can't by the doctor -- and sorry for putting this bluntly -- You can always do things for your spouse sexually that don't involve intercourse (if you're on bedrest) which can be a ton of fun! And that can at least get you/him by until you get a green light for sex from your doctor or after the baby is born.
luvuLord
luvuLord
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9/8/2009 - 12:33PM
Report Abuse 		I personally have always known I would never marry a man that travels on business for a living..and I would tell him that would not work for me if it were to come up after we were already married. I also would not marry a man who I found to be without much heart and compassion. However, I realize not all people turn out to be what we thought they were in the beginning of our marriages. I believe, if I ws presented with this situation, I would sit down when not angry or upset and have a heart to heart with my husband. I would let him know what is unacceptable to me. It would def be unacceptable that he left while I was in preterm labor to sight see in another country for 3 days. 1st of all, he would never get back in time if active labor started...and I would have trouble ever trusting him to be there for our family after that. And, furthermore, who is he sight seing with? I find all of that behavior suspect. I would let him know how I felt and if he should decide not to respond or care, I would consider separation and let him know that clearly. I don't believe in divorce unless it is excused Biblicly, but I feel that his purposeful absence at such a critical time is emotionally abusive and inexcusable. And no one should have to remain in an abusive situation. God want us to submit (pay respect) to our husbands...but He doesn't say be a doormat! I am on bedrest at a hospital 2 hours from home and my husband spends 4 nts a week here with me and still holds down a 40 hr work week job and takes care of our home. He constantly calls me to check my status and is living out of a suitcase should he have to leave instantly if the baby comes early. I knew this about him before I married him...he openly cries and has a heart and is a Christian who says he falls short of being holy all the time. I went through a lot of toads before I found him...but I learned to just not settle for less. God bless him!
RMolander
RMolander
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8/20/2009 - 4:10PM
Report Abuse 		They just don't get it. And don't care to learn.
JM0404
JM0404
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8/12/2009 - 11:13AM
Report Abuse 		Heartless doesn't even begin to describe my husband.. Im not on bed rest actually my pregnancy has gone pretty good so far.. Right before our 2nd wedding anniversary my Husband tells me that we should start trying for a baby. He said we stay in most nights and he has back problems and doesn't think he will want to wait much longer.. So we talked a little about it and then boom right when we start trying I get pregnant. It was a little surprising how fast we got pregnant but exciting too. Well 3 months into the pregnancy he tells me he's not happy...Then he starts hanging around single guys at work and he starts staying out until all hours going to bars and clubs.. Then he starts not coming home until the next morning.. He tells me he doesnt want to drive drunk so he stays at his guy friend's house.. Then its all down hill from there.. He barely talks to me now he never invites me to go w/ him anywhere.. he comes home to sleep (sometimes) and shower.. Then he's gone again.. he comes home from work and changes clothes and he's gone.. sometimes he comes home that night sometimes he comes home in the A.M. So pretty much my life has been turned upside down and I have a baby on the way in 2 months..
BabyGirl100209
BabyGirl100209
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7/29/2009 - 6:16PM
Report Abuse 		I am so glad someone wrote a note about Heartless Hubby. First let me say that I love my husband and I think he is trying, but I don't think he truly understands the emotions that not only come along with pregnancy but the additional frustrations, feelings and emotions that come along with bedrest. I have been on complete bedrest for 13 weeks, since I was 14 weeks. I will be 31 weeks this Friday and I can tell you that it is more than a challenge. We have had more frequent arguments about small things. I try to keep things under control because I think my hormones are raging again. His idea of support is fixing me something to eat or making sure I have something to eat. Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate him for that, but right now I need a little more. Our sex life is non-existence so as woman and his wife I feel as if I am not meeting his needs. Cuddling is good, but I find myself wanting to have sex if too much cuddling and touching is taking place so I try to avoid that so I can avoid the temptation. Does anyone have any suggestions ?
HMMPSU
HMMPSU
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6/3/2009 - 6:15PM
Report Abuse 		My husband is on the road every day, he's a truck driver, but he's not to far away from home that he couldn't make it back in less than 4 hours. At first I was aggravated when he said he can't just turn around and come back but then made an agreement with myself that if I did go into labor I would call him just to let him know but wouldn't fret about since he would probably make it back in time. We have a c-section scheduled for the 11th and he made sure to take the time off of work and is also off an additional 2 weeks. I think your husband is trying..he did call people to let them know. We have to give him some credit...as we can see below there are a lot of men who are to wrapped up in themselves to even think of calling people in case help was needed. I don't however agree with your husband leaving a head of time so he can go sightseeing. He definitely needs a smack for that.
aljnmomtobe
aljnmomtobe
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4/29/2009 - 2:43PM
Report Abuse 		I feel for you..I found out my husband started watching porn when sex became to uncomftorable for me..
tesa0t
tesa0t
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4/22/2009 - 1:48PM
Report Abuse 		I'm in the same boat, but my husband doesn't go halfway around the world... he just travels to the couch puts on his sound proof headset and jumps headfirts into the virtual world of xbox live leaving me and my family's needs in the dust for 5 to 10hrs at a time. it is upsetting to watch someone you love put your feelings and needs on the back burner. I knew that shawn was this way when we got married,just as you knew ur husband. We have to find ways of compromising first. open communication, not arguments are how you get there. we have compromised with setting up certain days of the week when family not games come first. when compromising doesn't work,,, then unfortunately you just have to find a way to deal. sad but true. we will deal with a lot as mothers and wives, we can make it.
CallumMum
CallumMum
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3/30/2009 - 11:04AM
Report Abuse 		You said yourself that your husband is not a compassionate man, and you knew that when you married him. I feel for you — and thank my lucky stars for the man I have, frankly — but you sound like you are pretty realistic, and prepared to love him just as he is. I hope he knows how lucky he is to have you, but pregnancy (childbirth, child rearing, none of it!) is likely to change a man. If you've asked and he hasn't responded, then clearly it is too much to ask. We all get to sleep in the beds we made. Good luck to you, and I admire you for being accepting of your man, faults and all. Mine isn't perfect either, believe me! :-) But he's a good one, and that's why I decided to have a child with him.
kaylee_gee
kaylee_gee
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3/25/2009 - 10:50AM
Report Abuse 		i know how you feel. my husband is in the military, so he is gone a LOT of the time. by the time our baby gets here, he will have been gone for over half the time i'd been pregnant, and then he is leaving again very soon after the baby gets here. its not his fault, i know, because he has his responsibilities, but i need him here with me. we are due the end of may, and my husbands deployment ends soon before the due date. pretty nerve racking.
mellowmama
mellowmama
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2/25/2009 - 10:04AM
Report Abuse 		I would tell him how you feel. Don't keep those feelings bottled up or you'll explode. You are pregnant, on bed rest, worried about your baby and your husband is on a lot of buisness trips. what woman wouldn't be upset? Try not to worry too much though, you don't need the added stress. I really think that he loves and cares about you. Men just react to things differently. I feel that he may be worried about having enough money and is working hard to provide for you and your baby. That's the way a man says "I love you".
itoshii_na_koi
itoshii_na_koi
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2/22/2009 - 4:46AM
Report Abuse 		It's too much to ask; the father of my baby is inconsiderate of anyone's feelings but his own. I also new this during our friendship which started 10 years ago and had only been a relationship for 2 years before it ended. I have learned from my mother he will never be the man in the romance novels he will always be the guy who is good at x,y,z though. It's not that he doesnt want to be with you he just probably cant understand why you would need him there. No one can read our minds and understand how much we wish they would be this loving caring supportive person when we are feeling dis-stressed. Dont berate him too much and dont keep your feelings all balled up either or you'll likely build up then spill them after 15 years in a big fight triggered by another dirty coffee mug left in the bathroom....and he wont even remember Spain.
jonesy
jonesy
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2/15/2009 - 6:39PM
Report Abuse 		I don't think your hubby is heartless, maybe he is just trying to make sure he has the most money he can muster so the baby is well provided for. Does he know how you feel about this? Maybe if you tell him how worried you are and how you need him, he could talk to his work about staying closer to home until the baby is born.
snipestatic
snipestatic
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1/31/2009 - 1:23PM
Report Abuse 		Wow. That's... crap.
Schocked1
Schocked1
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1/31/2009 - 1:17PM
Report Abuse 		My hubby is only about half hour out of town working,but I know how you feel.I was promised back rubs,leg rubs,special treatment etc.if only I would have a baby for him. As you can guess,none of this has happened. He gets up,goes to work,comes home,eats,plays on his computer,and goes to sleep. I'm on bedrest too,due to bleeding,etc. He won't even cook supper or order in! My ob/gyn told him that I must stay in bed or risk losing the baby. He doesn't seem to care. He has talked to some of our clients (women) and they all tell him things like "It's not that bad", "it's all in her head","every woman goes through this" etc. He believes THEM over the ob/gyn and myself. His other problem is his beer drinking. They told him that if they smell booze on his breath he won't be allowed into the delivery room. So guess who drinks every night still? MEN!! I'm over 40,boy number 4,have had complications with each pregnancy...so I'm not like "all" women that these clients talk about. He either doesn't care or he doesn't understand...his mom figures that he's in denial...that he wants a perfect baby and he's afraid that it might not be so perfect after all. We were already told that he might have Down's Syndrome...we refused the testing...hate needles and have had too many miscarriages to risk it. He refuses to believe any of it and refuses to "be there" for me. When he was told that I might have to have a c-section this time,he told me that I would have to go and stay with his folks! I love them dearly,but they live in a different province! How in the world does he expect me to get there? I was told that with a c-section you are bed ridden for quite some time...was also told that it's quite painful and that travel is out. I love this bleepity-bleep of a man, but...gee. So I can totally feel for you. At least he lets people know that you need help...you're lucky. Mine tells everyone that I'm fine and that there are NO problems! Why does he lie? Ugh! Ok, enough man bashing...this may get ugly. lol
KT34
KT34
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1/26/2009 - 7:48AM
Report Abuse 		Your husband is an ass. His behavior is a glimpse of his parenting style. I would talk to him rationally about the situation letting him know exactly how I felt in a non confrontational way and then if I felt that he didn't get it or didn't care, I'd make plans to leave after the baby was born. There's simply no excuse for absenteeism during the pregnancy OR after your child is born.
LauraMeas
LauraMeas
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12/18/2008 - 6:37PM
Report Abuse 		I have also been on bedrest for just over a month and still have 2 months (to the day) to go before baby should be here. At the start I was so frustrated with not being able to be active and felt such a slob. It's also a busy time for my husband who is submitting a major thesis in less than a week's time. He has not been out of the country but it has not been easy for him to be around as much as anyone would choose at this stage. I can't say that his busyness brings out heartlessness at all, but I have had to accept that what he is doing at this important stage is also for the baby and me. That includes him having some outlet for mixing with other people apart from me, and representing us at the social events we had planned with friends before this happened, and once in a while meeting closer male friends for lunch so he can share what he's feeling too. I have realised that how I cope with my frustrations impacts his ability to work effectively. If his mind is at rest about me and the baby, he is able to push through his own work in spite of his real concerns about premature labour and our other complications. It's not that easy for a man to share his own worries, especially when he is doing his best in the time he has available to listen to his wife's. It helped me to share my own concerns with some friends, and to welcome their offers of help when they came. Also finding some small projects that distract me from thinking about not being able to get to the baby store to buy what I want, or not being able to celebrate Christmas as we had planned, or feeling lonely when noone has called that day. Digging out an old hobby like cross stitch, reading books I never got round to, looking through and ordering photos or recipe books, listening through all my CDs, taking time to pray for our baby, for my husband and for other people, planning and asking a friend to help me put together my husband's Christmas stocking, writing a journal with a little section for the baby every day, etc has helped. It also helped me to have 10 days in hospital, with total enforced rest. At first I resisted that too. But when I came home again a few days ago, I felt the blessing of having a place to relax that I can call my own. Counting blessings has helped me feel more content. Bedrest can really be a trial when we are used to busy lives, but gradually it brought people to my mind too who have been or are now sick or confined to home (e.g elderly), and writing a wee note to them has been something else I have found a helpful outlet and new connection. Hope you will find some ways to bless your husband and that you will feel gradually more peaceful in the waiting time till your baby comes.
jrsymamato5
jrsymamato5
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11/10/2008 - 4:58AM
Report Abuse 		Im not going to say anything bad about your husband since i personally dont know him. He has some heart since he called friends to keep an eye on you while he was gone. But I know it isnt what you need or want. But the thing is, if you knew he was like this when you married him, you cant change a man. But like someone said, express your feelings to him, and not to friends or family. Now to people online I dont see why not, people online is no different then talking to a shrink. We all need to get things out in the open to see if we are over reacting or we are on the spot with whats wrong.I am sorry to hear you are stuck home alone on bedrest while your husband is off on business trips. He should take in consideration that you may need him and postpone the trip, or something. But if he couldnt then I understand. Now does he want a baby? And does he travel all the time? If so that is something that should have been thought of before trying for a baby. Im trying to be rude, sorry.
3happypenguins
3happypenguins
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11/4/2008 - 6:49PM
Report Abuse 		I realize that it can be very hard when a husband is not understanding. I am not denying that at all. But you all should be very very ashamed. One point of advice is to NEVER EVER complain to others (whether friends or on the internet) about your husband. For one, it will make things worse; for two, it deeply disrespects him. The bible clearly teaches for wives to respect and submit to your husbands, and for husbands to love their wives. What he is doing to you is not right (he is not loving you as a husband should), and what you are doing to him is not right either (you are disrespecting him). There is no such thing as a need to "vent." You need to go to your husband right now and express your concerns to him.
BABiiL0vE
BABiiL0vE
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10/23/2008 - 11:11AM
Report Abuse 		yea maybe he's just trying to get money but right now u need him the most because yur scared by yourself. He should be there to spend the long days with u and experience the labor and birth. I think u shuld try talking to him.. But if it doesn't work then I don't kno what to say.. I mean it hard enough when ur pregnant and there's no one to help out especially the baby daddy


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