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69

10 (Cheeky) Tips for New Moms

Thanks to Jennifer Magnuson

So I'm supposed to make a card for this baby shower I'm attending with a bunch of parenting advice. They asked me to give advice. They have no idea. See below.

Jen's 10

1. Boys invariably smell vaguely of pee and sunshine. Heavy on the pee. Stock up on Febreze.

2. Your boobs, when engorged (this is for the first-timer) will look like something out of a fetish video. Your husband will be intrigued: Practice saying, "If you touch my nipples I will be wearing your scrotum as decorative jewelry."

3. That fun "period" you get after you give birth? Don't worry, that's not your liver in the toilet.

4. When people ask if your baby is on a schedule, tell them the little monkey won't listen and you're wondering if it's too soon to start spanking.

5. With each subsequent child, you will look nine months pregnant for at least two weeks longer after giving birth.

6. Watching reruns of The Sopranos in the middle of the night helps bring down your milk. So does a good gin and tonic.

7. Your older children might be jealous of the attention given to the new baby. This is natural. Just tell them they're not as special anymore, and would they please move, daddy is trying to take a picture of the little princess.

8. Other moms are really, really competitive. Make stuff up. Tell them your baby started muttering the phrase "Einstein was wrong" while thrashing in the crib at night.

9. Only you know when it's time to wean your baby. If you want to nurse until the kids beg you to stop, that's your prerogative.

10. Older people are really judgmental when it comes to things like co-sleeping. Don't get irritated at their antiquated advice. Just smile and tell them you really find that co-sleeping works for you. You just wish little junior would yell louder when you accidentally roll over on him.

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bittersweetdee
bittersweetdee
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10/14/2009 - 10:56AM
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Hoorah for # 3 !!  Too funny!  Great list!
mightyp
mightyp
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9/13/2009 - 8:54PM
Report Abuse 		Love it!!!! Talk about hitting the nail on the head!
Juggamommy
Juggamommy
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9/13/2009 - 2:29PM
Report Abuse 		*claps* good job on this one!
NALLSS
NALLSS
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9/10/2009 - 7:49PM
Report Abuse 		Soooooo true!!
BrittSnips
BrittSnips
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9/9/2009 - 1:19PM
Report Abuse 		I have used a few of those even before I read this! Absolutley hilarious...and so true.
liliokalani90
liliokalani90
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9/9/2009 - 8:00AM
Report Abuse 		lol, i like it! great job!
Kaimon
Kaimon
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9/8/2009 - 5:51PM
Report Abuse 		Haha! This is great! Good job!
gaamy
gaamy
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9/8/2009 - 9:48AM
Report Abuse 		you forgot to add "even after the intial bleeding stops. keep wearing the pads, because you wont be able to make it to the bathroom on time for month."
heidixbearr
heidixbearr
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9/6/2009 - 3:54PM
Report Abuse 		what the heck? sorry, i put this on another post haha=)
heidixbearr
heidixbearr
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9/6/2009 - 3:50PM
Report Abuse 		I am not married to my childs father, but we have decided that we are going to go with tradition and give the baby his last name, since he is going to be in the child's life everyday, more or less.
EggoPrego
EggoPrego
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4/3/2009 - 11:41PM
Report Abuse 		ahaha! i love it great advice!
itoshii_na_koi
itoshii_na_koi
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2/22/2009 - 4:33AM
Report Abuse 		ok so I think I may have to print this out and have my friend who is doing my baby shower announce these. I am giggling and I was cranky from no sleep this was wonderful.
1mama2bee
1mama2bee
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1/24/2009 - 5:59PM
Report Abuse 		LOL! this was great!
Mrs_Fire_PC
Mrs_Fire_PC
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9/9/2008 - 5:19PM
Report Abuse 		Great -LOL!
MicheleOneL
MicheleOneL
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9/9/2008 - 4:34PM
Report Abuse 		Made me laugh out loud. I think I have been getting a lot of unsolicited advice from people who had their babies decades ago and I am a little bitter. This lightened me up! Thanks!


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