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Postpartum Depression: Why I Won't Have Another Baby

I always thought I'd have two children. But a 2-month bout of postpartum depression changed all my plans.

Submitted by Anonymous

I was an only child, and while I had a good life (and was definitely spoiled), I was lonely. I grew up in a neighborhood where there were no other kids my age, I didn't go to preschool, and I went to such a small church that even the kids there were a few years younger than me. I spent my time with adults from the beginning. This had its advantages: I was always ahead in school. I had undivided attention at home and it paid off. Also, my vocabulary was through the roof before I was 3. But none of these things brought the companionship I longed for. I vowed from a very early age that I would never intentionally do that to my child.

Fast-forward 20 years or so. I met my husband. And his brother. And his sister. And his other brother. You get the idea. We would sit around for hours some nights while all the siblings sat around telling stories of their childhood. Things that they could share that no one else would ever understand. I'd sit and just listen. I'd soak up as much as I could. But I could never relate. That made me sad. It was time to revisit my childhood vow: No child of mine would be an only.

And then I got pregnant ... Which was great, don't get me wrong. I had an easy pregnancy, a loving husband, wonderful in-laws (lots of 'em)—things seemed perfect.

Up until the day of my son's birth. Nothing could have prepared me for what was about to happen. My son was born via C-section and reunited with me two hours later. I waited for a spark. Yes, he was healthy and adorable. But there was no rush of emotion like I expected. I figured I was just tired. It would pass. I didn't know that it was just the beginning of what would be a horrible case of postpartum depression.

For the next two months, the only emotion I really felt was despair. I knew deep down that I loved my son, but I just couldn't reach that place. I knew it was there, so I fought hard and overcame it.

My child is now the center of my universe. But those first 8 weeks were the absolute worst, and I regret losing that time to bond with him so much. Even if we lived forever, there still won't be enough time for me to show him how much I love him. I'm so thankful that depression has left me, but I am not unscathed.

I am still plagued by anxiety. I am still on medication and in therapy. And one of the most painful things of all is that I am left with no desire to do this again. I fear starting over. Not just fear of possible PPD, but of having another newborn. Worrying about milestones and growth charts. Almost two years later with my son now, I'm still worrying about growth charts. So I can't bear to start over with another child. I fear the fear. I truly feel that if I have another child, I will have two kids with only half of a mother. That seems ludicrous to me. I'd rather focus all my love and attention on the one I have than risk his happiness just so I can say I have two children. Would I be doing it for him or trying to fill my own void?

So this leaves my child an only child. The thing I said I'd never do. The thing that makes other mothers look at me and say, "Oh, you have to have another one! You can't have just one!" (Is he a potato chip or something? I digress.) I'm treated like just wanting one child gives me two heads, and I find this extremely unfair.

So tread lightly on women you come across who feel ill-equipped to have more children. You don't know the pain and guilt that may be underneath.

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melof2
melof2
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11/3/2009 - 11:55AM
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I can relate.  I am the one who has 2 brothers and 1 sister, my husband was an only child.  He was happy with just 1 kiddo, but I have always wanted 2.  My oldest is going to be 3 in January, and I just had a second 3 weeks ago.  With my first everything was great.  I took 3 months off work to spend with her and bond, had no problems with PPD, loved every minute of being a mom.  Now with the 2nd one I have to admit, it is overwhelming.  And I feel that I have taken away from my oldest because I don't have all the time for her that I used to.
KayleeB1
KayleeB1
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10/14/2009 - 8:13AM
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i TOTALLY understand what you're going throught because im experiencing the EXACT same thing...i grew up with 3 older brothers, but my good friend kelly was an only and she said she never felt lonely cuz she had plenty of family around for the holidays and had plenty of friends in school....but i just want to have my daughter and only my daughter because im terrified of having post partum depression again....exactly waht you said...im soo scared of starting over with a whole new one...i feel like i barely got through the depression THIS time!....I am not taking my meds anymore (althought my doctor wants me to) because i feel GREAT...i love her soooooooooooooooooooooo much...and i also regret these past couple months i've been severely depressed..i couldn't really bond with her, not even while breastfeeding which made me REALLY sad..i feel like i missed out on something very important...but everythings fine now and my husband wants to have at least one more...but i feel like we already may have rushed a bit fast having our first child at 20....althought im SO sorry that you're going through this...its nice to know that im not the only one....i've felt like i have NO ONE to talk to about this!
Name_Pro_Karlie
Name_Pro_Karlie
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8/23/2009 - 12:27AM
Report Abuse 		Although I was not an only child, I was twenty and sixteen years younger than my sisters and they were no longer living with my mom. I grew up more as an only child and I was extremely lonely. I LONGED for a sibling that was close to my age but my mother had her uterus removed when I was born and my father hasn't had a relationship since their marriage, so that was pretty much out. Now as the mother of a four year old, I worry about her not getting along with a sibling but I think she's lonely and would love to be a big sister. My husband and I area talking about having another one here in the next year and I think it's looking more like a possibility. But I would be perfectly happy just having my daughter only. She is my angel and she's the sun in my universe.
geenerbean
geenerbean
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8/16/2009 - 4:55PM
Report Abuse 		i am an only child and i loved it! my parents and i always were and still are very close. i never missed having sibs because my family had great close friends that we spent every weekend with. i called all four families my SECOND family. all the joy of playing and growing up with other kids...with out the fighting and sacrificing that comes with having multiple children. i think you have to do what's best for you and that'll be best for your child. just make sure to reach out to other families so your child can learn to develop lifelong friendships.
hurrymay
hurrymay
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8/11/2009 - 9:04AM
Report Abuse 		i can relate so much to this story! Although my daughter isn't here yet, i worry about her being an only child. I had 2 older sisters, and like you said, when we get together we tell all sorts of stories from our childhood. I wouldn't trade how i grew up for anything in the world. But now that i'm pregnant, i always thought i'd have another because i didn't want her to be "spoiled" or bratty. But now that i'm in love with my daughter (even though i haven't met her) i wonder how i can love another as much as i love her? If i have more (which wont be for awhile!) i pray that i'll love them as much as i love my first.
Gin78
Gin78
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4/18/2009 - 5:49PM
Report Abuse 		Sorry about the repeats, I didn't think it was publishing. I was getting an error. Ooops.
Gin78
Gin78
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4/18/2009 - 5:48PM
Report Abuse 		I beg to differ, I am an only child and although I wished I had a sibling as a small child, the older I grew, the happier I was to be an only. I have such a close relationship with my parents (they are my best friends) and I am offended by people who say "OH, I'd NEVER have just one!!!". We are not stunted or introverts or anything else that people may believe. Only children are just as normal as kids with 1 or 2 or ever 4 siblings, as my husband has. The beauty of an only child is you can give that child one on one attention regularly. They don't have to share your love. That may make you think that that spoils the child, and I'm not saying that I wasn't given a lot of opportunities, but isn't that what you want for them? I am pregnant with my first baby now and my husband and I have discussed having two, but if he said the word and only wanted one, I wouldn't think twice about being able to give one child the love and attention that my parents gave me.
Gin78
Gin78
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4/18/2009 - 5:48PM
Report Abuse 		I beg to differ, I am an only child and although I wished I had a sibling as a small child, the older I grew, the happier I was to be an only. I have such a close relationship with my parents (they are my best friends) and I am offended by people who say "OH, I'd NEVER have just one!!!". We are not stunted or introverts or anything else that people may believe. Only children are just as normal as kids with 1 or 2 or ever 4 siblings, as my husband has. The beauty of an only child is you can give that child one on one attention regularly. They don't have to share your love. That may make you think that that spoils the child, and I'm not saying that I wasn't given a lot of opportunities, but isn't that what you want for them? I am pregnant with my first baby now and my husband and I have discussed having two, but if he said the word and only wanted one, I wouldn't think twice about being able to give one child the love and attention that my parents gave me.
Gin78
Gin78
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4/18/2009 - 5:47PM
Report Abuse 		I beg to differ, I am an only child and although I wished I had a sibling as a small child, the older I grew, the happier I was to be an only. I have such a close relationship with my parents (they are my best friends) and I am offended by people who say "OH, I'd NEVER have just one!!!". We are not stunted or introverts or anything else that people may believe. Only children are just as normal as kids with 1 or 2 or ever 4 siblings, as my husband has. The beauty of an only child is you can give that child one on one attention regularly. They don't have to share your love. That may make you think that that spoils the child, and I'm not saying that I wasn't given a lot of opportunities, but isn't that what you want for them? I am pregnant with my first baby now and my husband and I have discussed having two, but if he said the word and only wanted one, I wouldn't think twice.
NyssaRetter
NyssaRetter
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2/25/2009 - 2:37AM
Report Abuse 		I had severe PPD with my son. Really bad. I wound up leaving, and got to the point of writing a suicide note before I realized I HAD a real problem, and sought help for it. When I got pregnant the second time, I was terrified of going through that all over again. I spent my whole pregnancy worrying about it. But, the thing is, having had PPD before, I know the chance of going through it again is elevated, but I know what to look for this time around. I don't think I've gotten through it unscathed, but I'm not in the pit of despair, either. Whatever you choose to do, it's going to be hard.
DylsMommyJ
DylsMommyJ
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2/24/2009 - 3:29PM
Report Abuse 		This is a great story and I was relieved to know I wasn't the only one with anxiety about having another child. I think that goes away a bit over time but my son is 5 and I am still nervous about having another and maybe I never will... I do love giving my undivided love and attention to one.
minda
minda
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11/1/2008 - 5:04PM
Report Abuse 		hi :) thanks for the warm welcome!
tfortracey
tfortracey
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9/28/2008 - 11:45PM
Report Abuse 		Hi there, I am an only child myself and I also had decided when I was a child to not only have one, and I don't think you necessarily have to. If you are open to Chinese Medicine, I think you ought to consider it. I had a patient who had PPD for two years and was still crying every day. She was miserable, and her family was miserable. Her neighbour told her to try Chinese Medicine so she came to see me. I was amazed how quickly she responded to the herbs. After only two weeks she told me she was 90% better and her husband was even more pleased than herself. I want to add that the most common cause for PPD (in Chinese Medicine) would be "blood deficiency" which is not necessarily equated with anemia in Western med. This imbalance can be treated before getting pregnant lessening the chances of it happening again. If it did happen again, the mother could be treated immediately. I just hate to see someone suffering when there is help available! Tracey
VirginMommy
VirginMommy
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9/26/2008 - 9:38AM
Report Abuse 		PPD is serious you should not risk making your self unhappy, because either way when you have kids you have to sacrifice things for the well being of the child. But if you don't have your well being it will severely affect your child. I would not risk PPD again and your children will not get that affection from you, then you will feel double as guilty, probably triple. Don't do anything that will intentionally upset and affect you because it will tickle down to your kids. It's better to have one and be there for him wholeheartedly, then to have a playmate for your child and have mommy distant, then both of them will end up lonely and have a void. Does he have cousins? If not, get him into preschool, there are plenty of things you can do to get him around kids his age.
LoveESky
LoveESky
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9/23/2008 - 1:20PM
Report Abuse 		I think you need to decide what you want. you seem torn. I will tell you that every only child i ever met has said they wished they had siblings because they had such a lonely childhood. so you are not alone in that. but it also means that your child will also. you also need to consider that just because you were depressed last time doesnt mean you would if you had another child. every pregnancy and after is different. if you dont want to have another child, then dont have one! but dont do it because you think you will have less love for your exsisting son. a mothers love doesnt divide. it multiplies. if your fear of postpartum is keeping you from having another, maybe you could adopt?
Mama_Cain
Mama_Cain
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8/26/2008 - 1:47PM
Report Abuse 		For those women who say to you "Oh you have to have another!" I say ignore them! I have 3 boys...did not plan o having as many, and my hand s are FULL, and still I'll get people saying to me "You're gonna try for the girl, right?" Good Lord!! I was am the oldest of 10, but remember still remember the 8 years when I was the only one quite fondly : )
Annie
Annie
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8/20/2008 - 7:54PM
Report Abuse 		I grew up with 3 siblings and never wanted to have an only child either. Now that I have my son I think I'm fine with only having one. For the sake of my sanity and my husband's. People are constantly giving us a hard time about it. You aren't alone and your point of view is perfectly valid. Do what's best for your family.
saltymom
saltymom
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8/19/2008 - 11:35PM
Report Abuse 		I, too, am the mother of an only child. I can't even imagine being able to give myself completely to another child. I love having my one and only.
PhillyChick
PhillyChick
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8/19/2008 - 3:47PM
Report Abuse 		I don't know if you've ever discussed it with her, but maybe your mom suffered from PPD, too. Maybe that's why she chose to only have one baby.
chacha
chacha
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7/29/2008 - 10:47PM
Report Abuse 		Thank you for sharing this story. YOu know yourself the best and need to trust yourself. I know TONS of only children and they turned out fantastic. Keeping family close is really important and just giving lots of love (which I'm SURE you do!) btw...i laughed out loud about the potato chip...


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